The concept of “letting go” doesn’t make a lot of sense in fertility circles.I remember at one retreat a few years ago, a woman said, “I didn’t come here to learn to let go; I came here to learn how to have a baby!”, like one would preclude the other.

I think the misconception is that we have to stop desiring a child before we can let go. That is absolutely not the case. So, can we let go while we still carry the desire so dearly?

Of course. We are talking about letting go of the illusion of control. The attempt to control the outcome actually puts us into a state of Cortisol dominance, decreasing the likelihood of conception. I remember taking my temperature, checking in with EVERY little symptom my body was having and peeing on pregnancy tests as if my mind could control the outcome. I thought if I was concerned about it all the time, said positive affirmations, and researched until I found the “missing piece” that I could somehow think my way into a pregnancy. But, alas, life beat me into the truth. The more I attempted to think and control my way into pregnancy, the more it eluded me.

I remember talking to another woman at retreat, who said, “You mean I don’t have to think positively? What a relief!” She had been told that she had to think positively in order for an IVF to work. And she thought herself right into a state of denial. Denying all of the negative thoughts inside of her – the fear that it might not work, the anger and frustration at her doctor’s negativity… and some well-meaning friend told her all she had to do was think positively and it would happen. Now, I am a firm believer in the power of intention, but not when what is simmering beneath the positive exterior is seething anger, deep sorrow, and unacknowledged fear. Those negative emotions send out their messages of contraction far stronger than a weak attempt at putting on a happy, positive face.

Control sends out messages like this: I want it (clenched control); I can’t have it (fear, inward contraction); I’ll do everything ‘right’ (clenched determination); I’m afraid I’ll never achieve it (fear, contraction); I’ll try harder (struggle), find a more aggressive doctor (fight/flight response)… You get the picture. The message sent out into the field of awareness is “NO BABY, NO BABY, NO BABY!” And guess what comes back to us? More no baby.

So, here’s the hard part… how does one let go? The answer isn’t a how to. If you are “how to”-ing you aren’t letting go. You are trying. The subtle difference is in the moment. Attempts to control and manipulate the outcome are projections into the future. I can feel myself clench up when I even think about ‘trying’ to let go. Here’s a novel approach – ask yourself, how am I supporting the moment? How am I fully embracing the truth of what I am experiencing right now? Fear, anger, sorrow, hope, and all. Am I acknowledging the truth of my experience so I can move into a higher state? Am I able to accept where I am and then release the so called negative emotions from my body? And then can I stand in the naked truth of the moment, fully knowing that I can’t control the outcome, but I’m willing to take the next step anyway? Take a deep breath. Feel the difference?

From this place, I can recognize all kinds of subtle differences in my energy. My heart opens. I am in the place where miracles can occur, because I am no longer fighting them with my worry and anxiety. This is the place where life can come in. And it comes in all the time when I adopt this non-stance. Life lives me.

I’m no longer trying to have children. They are already here. But guess if my attempts to control them have gone away? Nope. When I attempt to impose my ‘rightness’ onto them, they prove to me what I have projected onto them – that they can’t do it. Yet, when I can fully support them in the moment, and express my own honest truth about wishing them to be elsewhere, the fight drops away. They step into their highest selves. And once again, I don’t have to keep up the illusion of control. I can be one soul interacting with another. And life lives them, too.