Winds of Grace

My husband and I sat waiting for Dr. X at XYZ fertility clinic for our consult. XYZ is revered as one of the top three fertility clinics in the world. The meeting was a regroup after the third of three failed IVF rounds. I was 42, we had had 3 late first trimester miscarriages, 3 failed IVF rounds, and more medical and health interventions than should be recounted here. I sat at the consult table feeling deeply flawed somehow, a failure, and like a walking infertility diagnosis: age-related elevated FSH, decreased ovarian reserve, Luteal Phase Defect, MTHFR, miscellaneous autoimmune and blood clotting disorders, impaired adrenal function…  The message from Dr. X was definitive: “your FSH is too high, there is less than 1% chance you will ever be able to have a healthy baby using your own eggs, and XYZ clinic will no longer work with you on your fertility challenges if you insist on using your own eggs.”

My husband sat there numb as Dr. X left the room. We felt like we’d just been delivered a death sentence. Desperation, sadness, and hopelessness filled the air. Yet from deep within me, every fiber of my being rejected the doctor’s words… It took all I could not to scream out loud “I AM fertile, I CAN have a baby on my own using MY OWN eggs, and I don’t believe anything you just told me!” I walked out of the clinic feeling the fierceness of my own truth and KNOWING that our child was waiting to join us. All I had to do was get the recipe right. I resolved that day to find another way.

A month later I attended my first Fertile Soul retreat with Dr. Randine Lewis. While I kept getting treated for various Western medicine-diagnosed fertility challenges, I embraced the Fertile Soul method. I devoured Dr. Lewis’ books, integrated her teachings into my daily routine, from food choices to fitness to TCM. My spirit shifted from “trying to conceive” to “receiving,” as I opened myself to the gifts the universe was offering. During a meditation at my final Fertile Soul retreat, Randine whispered in my ear, “You already have all you need.” It was exactly the message I needed.

One year later we had a healthy pregnancy. Our son George, the love of our lives, an absolute miracle too good to be true, was born in May 2010. I was 43 years old. He is now 14 months old and more perfect than we ever imagined. We are madly in love with our little boy! Dr. Lewis’ teachings and the practices I learned at Fertile Soul retreats were essential in enabling us to have our little miracle baby. And The Fertile Soul restored in me a sense of hope and possibility about the future, no matter what it held. We do not have adequate words to describe our gratitude for the love and support we received from The Fertile Soul team and for the role they have played in making our most precious dream come true. The trials, tribulations, and heartbreak we experienced over a 8 year fertility journey have disappeared into the past and our new reality is one filled with joy, love, triumph, and wonder. During one of the Fertile Soul retreats I attended, all of the attendees took a moonlit swim in the lake behind the retreat center. My heart was so full from the beauty and hope that surrounded me that I wrote this poem that night:

The Winds of Grace

The winds of Grace are always blowing

The Goddesses dance in the sacred lake

Calling your name

Come to me

Come home, my Precious Child

Let the Angels be your guide

Your laughter and music Echo across the firmament

I can hear you!

I raise my sails high to meet you at the gate with my heart open and my arms wide

Provide safe passage Holy Mother, Blessed Creator

Open the gate wide and light the way

The winds of grace are always blowing

The Goddesses dance in the sacred lake

Calling your name

Come to us

Come home to us Precious Ones

Let the Angels be your guide

To anyone considering attending a Fertile Soul retreat, all I can say is: don’t wait another day! It will change your life.

Kim C.